Jewels, Frogs, and Mirrors

I have sisters who catch my tears. They catch my tears like gems and jewels cascading out of my eyes. They catch my tears like water in the desert. Cupped in their hands, my tears splash and sparkle.

And, when I am done crying, only then, do they set my tears down. Gently.

On the table, "Oh look," they exclaim, "a rosy ruby, an emerald of the deepest green, a perfect pearl."

On the parched and sandy soil, my tears seep through their fingers, and drip into the ground. Together we watch a once-in-fifteen-years flower bloom, its delicate petals open to the sun. Wide eyed we hold hands and watch as a little desert frog emerges from its dry hibernation, mates and lays eggs, and then slips back into the mud just as the land starts to crackle and dry, nestling down for another long slumber.

Yes, I have sisters who catch my tears. And, when I find myself spinning alone in the dark, wondering which way is up, my heart breaking in two, I call them. And, they listen to my tale through the moans and the hiccups. I call them, and they tell me back my story. I call them, and their gentle voices soothe. I call them. I call them.

Oh, I have sisters, tear catching, dancing, singing sisters wearing beautiful dresses, gowns covered in mirrors.

I love them, my sisters. I love how my call to them saves me. I love how they tell me things I wish I had the wisdom to tell myself. I love to hear their voices. I love me shedding my tears and them catching in cupped hands, my tears. I love them, tears and sisters; sisters and tears.

Desire is Divine and the Truth about the Vacation Fairy

A couple of years ago I realized that there wasn't a Vacation Fairy who was going to drop down out of the sky, bop me on my head, and send me on vacation. Oh, I dearly needed one of those little fellas, whom I imagined to be somewhat round and small, floating in the air on tiny wings, and dressed in a flowing shimmering gauzy gown and purple high tops. I never ran into a Vacation Fairy, and yet I desperately needed one to come my way.

We were struggling. We had financial trouble and bills from medical care for our sick son. We were several years into slogging our way through his illness and recovery. I was working full time and managing our household (just barely, and you can ask my mom who could hardly stop herself from picking up and cleaning when she dropped by.) My darling self-contained daughter was somewhat neglected during this time as we had turned all of our attention on the big, overwhelming, pressing issues we faced.

Yes, a Vacation Fairy was sorely needed in our house!

We hadn't gone away as a family, in, well, we hadn't ever gone away on a family vacation! Yeah, we had taken a week to visit in-laws here and there and I had taken the kids to the beach with my parents. But, all this big stuff had hit us square in the face just as we were starting our little family, just as we were beginning to create our own family traditions. So, yeah, we didn't have our family vacation tradition in place yet. We had nothing we could sink comfortably back into during times of trouble. And, so, if any family ever did need a Vacation Fairy, it was ours, I tell you!

Only one never came. Cause, guess what? There is no such thing!!!

I am telling you ladies! There is no such thing as a Vacation Fairy, much less one for each family.

I realized this after struggling with my feelings of rage and finally feeling ready to release rage from my grip. I had rage! Rage at my husband for NOT taking us on a vacation. Rage at him for NOT joining my parents on the vacation they provided. Rage at him for working so damn hard all of the time and having little energy left for our family and for this vacation that he wasn't even giving us! (hmmm, did I think HE was the Vacation Fairy??)

Oh, I thought I had it right when I started expressing my desires, after all, isn't that what I was learning with this Pleasure Revolution thing?! To express my desires, sisters?!!

So, my vacation desire went something like this, "My *#%&ing husband should be going on my %*#% family vacations that my parents are providing for FREE. GRRRRR. If he doesn't figure this out, why I'll, I'll, I'll..."

Hmmmm, no luck.

After that didn't work, I tried, "I desire for MY husband to join ME and our kids on family vacations. After all, THAT'S what husbands do, don't they." Hmmm, a little cleaner language now but full of read-between-the-lines hostility.

Still, no luck.

Then one day, it hit me! I had a craving. Deep in my bones. Down in my soul. I wanted to be on the beach. I wanted the warmth of the sun on my naked skin. I wanted the wind to play with my hair. I wanted to hear the sounds of the birds in the trees and sense the swooshing of the waves as they rolled onto the sand. I wanted the coconut man to crack open his coconut and pour the warm white liquid into my cupped hands so I could lap it up.

I could feel that desire clearly and sweetly as I wrote it all down and seduced myself with the pleasure of my imagination.

And, then, I let it go free.

You know, I thought for a second about whether I should (hmmm, notice that word...) whether I SHOULD include a description of my children or my husband on the beach with me in that desire...after all, they are my family, and wasn't that what I wanted, them with me on vacation?? I decided no. Not no about them being there. But no, I didn't need to describe them being there. I wanted to tap into what I was feeling on this desire vacation. I'd leave the "who was with me" open to interpretation.

Well, do you know what?!? The offers came flooding in!

First, a weekend in South Beach Miami with a group of amazing women in a class I was taking. Then, after I sent a copy of my desire to my auntie who has a house in Belize, she graciously offered to host a family vacation there. She even had the coconut man!

After that, my fabulous husband came home announcing a barter he had conjured. He would rebuild a table in exchange for a week at a vacation house on a private beach. How brilliant! And, I hadn't even read the desire to him! I simply had stopped hounding him and started focusing on my pleasure!

I went to South Beach with the girls and twice my little family went to the beach house. All three of these vacations left me feeling like a movie star.

We haven't made it to Belize yet, but the idea of the trip started a delicious effort to get to know my aunt and uncle better. Recently transplanted back east from California, my aunt and uncle were new to my kids and husband. So, we started a "get to know you before we travel all the way to Belize and stay with you for 10 days" campaign and created a closer relationship with that auntie and uncle for all of us. How scrumptious!

And, as you can see, EVERYBODY benefited from my desires! Which leads me to the following conclusion: Desires come from a divine source. No need to edit. No need to judge. Just desire.

Because...

Desire, ladies, is Divine!

So, enjoy!

Four Pounds and a Shell

One of the Sister Goddesses in my Pleasure Revival class last night bragged that she had shed her shell and lost four pounds in a week.

A week of spring cleaning and feeling right about herself. A week of celebrating herself with brags, thanking the Universe with a long list of things she was grateful for, expressing her deepest most delicious desires, and sharing all of that with us. A week that felt strange and new and not a little scary - after all a hard shell does such a nice job protecting from the jibs and jabs of the world, but soft slippery skin, now that's a totally startling feeling.

Minus four pounds and in her new skin, she noticed the breezes, the sun warming her, the risk, and a delightful one at that, of the possibility of sun burn. Risks, you see, are delightful when they are fully owned by you! Yeah, this all felt new and exciting and weird. It was as overwhelming as walking for the first time. Or maybe, like walking for the first time after a lengthy recovery process, during which even the doctors predicted life in a wheel chair. In a way, this fresh moist silky skin felt somehow remembered. Remembered from when? in early girlhood, from ancient times, on the dance floor, in the ocean waves, through ecstasy in bed...

I remember the moment that I finally realized that the world was big enough for me, that I didn't need to keep myself in a box. That even conservative Richmond had the balls to meet me in my full and glorious Goddesshood. That my marriage was big enough for me. And, if at any time anything felt claustrophobic, that it was up to me to stretch it and redefine until it fit me fabulously.

What an amazing moment! I literally danced around the halls of Mama Gena's School of Womanly Arts, grabbing sister goddesses, and squealing, "The world is big enough for me! Richmond is big enough for me! My marriage is big enough for me!"

I can't tell you how delicious that feels, to finally know that I am right in this world. That there is not one little itty bitty thing about me I need to change. That in all of my outrageousness I am absolutely perfect. In my sassy, saucy, quiet, loud, angry, noisy, silly, sexy moments, I am Divine. That I don't need a shell or a box or anything to hold me in or hold me together or keep me from scaring or scarring the world. Nope and no thank you to boxes (unless they hold new shoes or presents) or shells (unless I am picking them up off the beach or cradling them to my ear to hear the ocean).

YES!! to wet, slippery, silky skin!!! YES!! to stretching and moving and taking up space!!! YES!! to creating the marriage, community, city, and world of my desire!!! YES!! YES!!! YES!!!

The four pounds, by the way, came off not because she's dieting, which she isn't...but because she is filling her life with more, Pleasure!!!